Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
