Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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