How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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