At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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