I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
