thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
