Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
