I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
