I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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