ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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