Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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