I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
