Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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