This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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