When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
