The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
