just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
