Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
