I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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