John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
