I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
