don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
