she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
