I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
