we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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