i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Text me some of your sweat
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
