You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
