My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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