Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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