take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
