He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
