Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you would pick up someone in the library
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
