I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
