I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
