the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Randomize
