In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
