I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
