I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
