DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Randomize
