dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
