this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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