Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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