Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
