i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
