Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
