dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
