can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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