Define "chronic" masturbator.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
