i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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