Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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