Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
